Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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