So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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