He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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