so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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