Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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