Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
