Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
