her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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