They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
