That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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