Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
