how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
