I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Randomize
