Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
farters have to be the big spoon...
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
