It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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