12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
