You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
