So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
