The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
