Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
