nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
