I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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