booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
