I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
i've created a new STD.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
