Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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