I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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