She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
