Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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