Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
