Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
