I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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