I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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