Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
