you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
