My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
