ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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