he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
