I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
