If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
