captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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