my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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