A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
