There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
