There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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