My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
