You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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