ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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