Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
my poor anus
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
