It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
