I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
