Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
