I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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