we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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