i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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